Buddhism, spirituality

Giving freely, confidence and human expression

Why giving is great - AnAccidentalAnarchist.com

Do you consider yourself a generous person? You give to charity, help friends and colleagues out when they get into trouble?  If so, that’s good, but let’s not shelve a consideration of generosity just yet.  Let’s dig a bit deeper first. 

What does giving really mean?

Europe has had a refugee crisis for years yet all our politicians talk about is what we can ‘afford’ to do; ‘How many people can we afford to take to our shores?’  Don’t worry, this is not a political post, but I want to make this point.  In the UK our leaders have decided on a little quota of refugees that we can take; ‘little’ as they do not want to inconvenience existing British society. Heaven forbid anyone should have to wait longer for their medical treatment on account of some ill people from foreign shores. This highlights such a lack of generosity, something that feels to me like a King throwing his scraps from the table to the poor.

Now, I admit my faults in this too. A major part of this blog and these posts are about me figuring out how best to think about things in my life so I can form them into something approaching coherence which can then guide how I operate in the world.  And upon reflection, I definitely confess to having been the King at the table who has very often only spared that which can be spared.  

However, I will stand up now and make my statement; ‘Hello my name is Simon and I confess to clinging too much to my possessions, my thoughts, myself and in fact nearly everything I value’.  I vow to do better. In fact, I want to put forward a discussion of giving as a vital part of human expression that can uplift our existence. A giving that manifests as the opposite of sacrifice but rather as an expression of my being, my confidence, and my freedom.

Giving is the highest expression of potency. In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. This experience of heightened vitality and potency fills me with joy. I experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.
Erich Fromm
Letting go

Sadly for me, it took a total life crisis and the loss of much of importance to really see that grasping and clinging to things was not actually providing the satisfaction that I thought it would.  You see, this clinging feeling came from a fundamental base of insufficiency. I had this underlying feeling that I never had enough, so I could spare little.  My satisfaction was firmly rooted in the belief that happiness stemmed from the stuff in my life, my possessions, my thoughts, my time, my partner and myself. Ultimately though, the clinging generated a constant feeling of tension and stress. There was this underlying worry about either ‘how to get more’ or ‘how to not lose what had’.  Breaking down this mentality not only made me less tense but also opened up my world  to a freer generosity.

This is not exactly a new insight, the Greek philosopher Epicurus (crica 300 BC) stated:

If thou wilt make a man happy, add not unto his riches but take away from his desires.
 So what brought this change about for me?

In short, having children and a major life crisis (Link to my post about finding emptiness). My children gave me a very interesting opening into what it means to give in the truest sense. With my children, I know that they will leave me, they will one day go their own way, they will be independent and yet I still have this strong desire to give to them.  In fact, parents stand up! Let’s be honest, our little darlings don’t very often thank us for what we give yet there is still this deep sense of satisfaction in giving to them.

A good example for me is the lovely warm satisfaction and delight of watching them eat. They are simply sat at the table scoffing down the dinner but I love it, all of it, they way they roll into the kitchen with the swagger of  royalty, then the sight of them in their chairs, heads down, plate of food in front of them, dessert to their left, fruit smoothie front and right, them contented, a little bliss for me as a parent and a pure gift from me to them. I look at them in these moments and think, bless you, enjoy my darlings.

Even if you do not have children I am sure you have had similar feelings with ‘feeding’.  Perhaps with animals, throwing bread or seeds to birds in a park, feeding seagulls at the beach or animals at the zoo.

This kind of giving is an expression of love in a true sense and that’s something that I find myself searching for in life.  It’s giving without receiving, it’s a loss of time, money, energy with no return compensation, except that inner joy that giving can generate.  You might say, ‘but they give you love back?’  They do, yes, but like the animal in the park, they are ultimately destined to leave and live their lives. So there is also a touch of transcending the false notion of permanence;  giving knowing something will not last is all about a pure moment of human expression of the truth of reality. The notion that ‘I know it will not be mine – but I do it anyway out of love for it’ And it’s that feeling of giving regardless, a feeling that I found through my children (thank-you darlings) that prompted an expansion of generosity into other areas of my life.

Mother Teressa reportedly had a version of  Kent Kieth’s ‘Paradoxical Commandments’ on the wall of her orphanage in Calcutta which summarizes this notion so very beautifully:

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Getting back to the issue of children and/or romantic partners it’s worth mentioning that a clandestine style of giving is not exactly the notion. One aspect of generosity when limited exclusively to close partners, is that generosity might be something of a false dawn. Erich Fromm commented that some romantic relationships can lead to the formation of a joint self (aka a joint ego).  In this mode, the self-view expands to encompass the other into oneself. A partnership becomes one but is still very much disjoint from the outside word. This could extend to families which become one unit but are essentially hostile and defensive to the outside world. Fromm wrote about this as ‘Egoisme a deux’ – the ego of two. So in that sense, giving and loving is not really achieved with another as the other is simply subsumed into the self – the ego of two. This notion could be extended further  into insular organizations, be that groups of friends with no generosity for those outside the group, religion, societies and even to countries.

So what caused this ‘stinginess’ in life?

I think most of my life, and life in general, involves trading not giving. Take romantic relationships as an example, in some way there is this need for something, I cook dinner, I get thanked. I stay at home and watch the kids so my partner could go out, she reciprocates. I love you, so you love me. All goes well until someone perceives that they are not getting their slice of the cake. At this point, they might begin to feel unappreciated or even abused in the relationship. They might ask, ‘Why am I the one doing all the giving?’

The problem is that in most of our lives, we trade, we don’t give and this certainly carries into our supposed love relationships too.  Trade is the transfer of something in return for something, the transfer of money, time, goodwill and anything else that can be bartered and exchanged for something.  Perhaps receiving in return, money, time, thanks, goodwill, future favors, good behavior and ‘love’.

Trade has become such a central part of the subconscious of Western life that it is embedded in the fabric of nearly every transaction we make with others in the world. Western society values good trades, the so-called ‘clever man’ is able to trade profitably, he gives away less than he receives.  Conversely, only ‘a fool’ gives away things for less than their worth, be that time, love, money, etc.

What a fool l am now, and what a glad fool

At many points in my life, I have felt ashamed to give freely to others. I have also had to explain why I am giving something away. Western society actually made me feel wrong for doing something out of compassion. This does not necessarily or solely include possessions, money or effort, on a more intimate level, ‘giving’ love can be a challenge.

But giving – by definition – involves the loss of something. This might sound severe as the act of giving generates such an inner pleasure, but the point I am trying to make is that to truly give, is to give without any expectation in return and that involves parting with something.  However, there is some inner gain as it feels like a liberation and freedom.  Free because giving does not make any demands that require judgement of value (nothing is expected to be returned therefore there is no weighing of its merit). It’s simply an act without the judgment, even on the part of yourself, except perhaps that you feel it might brings something good to another. So it’s a moment of freedom and letting go.

So how about giving oneself?

Can we be open, free and remove the armor that shields our emotions and protects our egos? I think for many people, myself included, interactions between people can involve a certain shyness because someone is afraid to give themselves. Ultimately I think this comes from needing something in return? From looking for the trade, perhaps some approval?  ‘Shall I smile – oh wait I cannot smile at this person as they may not smile back’.

Giving without any expectation of anything in return liberates this tension since nothing is expected in return, there is no fear of rejection and as such, there is a sense of total freedom. I will smile at you, I will talk to you, I will help you, I will love you. I don’t worry about it being returned – it’s a gift.  Living like this brings about freedom.  It’s like the joy of throwing a stone into the sea, watching them fly freely through the air before disappearing beneath the water. Thrown and gone.  Being free with yourself is a similar feeling, your speech and deeds fly freely with no grand purpose, you will not get them back once you let them fly, but neither do you need to. 

Finally, the notion of giving can itself become superfluous. Since giving is predicated on relinquishing ‘something’ owned – something held personally – if there were nothing owned or held then there would be nothing to give.  I believe this is the super human consciousness of enlightened beings and Buddhist monks.  And it’s something that seems so beautiful and peaceful.  Something that my musing here have, in some way, enabled me to at least touch;  the beautiful notion of what it must be like to let go completely and therefore have everything to give and nothing to lose.  What a beautiful and free loving place to be.

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  1. Love this ! Yes , we need to become totally unselfish .. I guess I consider myself quite the fool . And yes it takes kids , a crisis , being financially broke , and maybe even an illness to get to this point of being completely humbled … Lucky me has experienced ALL the above . Great post !

    • It’s so nice to hear you expressing gratitude for the hard lessons, I find myself trying to explain to people that I am grateful for the hard times but it’s not always understood how that could be so. Honestly though, facing total loss was such a liberating experience for me, glad it happened but at the same time I do wish I could have been one of these enlightened 20 somethings that seem to have it all figured out straight away, I was and still am a slow learner . Peace and love.

  2. elaine

    As they say, if you give expecting something back that’s business, not charity ;*)

  3. share the peace rather than hold tighter to it, claiming it as your own. Yes. That sort of non-attachment is very Buddhist. Lovely piece.

  4. Morys Stvyn

    Lovely piece of writing….
    Yes we are cultured to look and treat life as a trade. And then we wonder how it is that the ‘cleverer’ we get the more ‘alone’ and disappointed we end up.
    I like this piece!!!!

    • Thank-you for the comment which is so true, perhaps this is why we have mental health crisis and loneliness problems in the West now. But, we can change the world, one person, one thought, one bit of open love at a time. Peace.

  5. Thank you for a thoughtful piece which is a reminder to all of us: when we give only our excess, we are not exhibiting generosity of spirit.

    • My pleasure, sharing such a long post was something of a leap of faith on my part, so I am glad it in some way touched people positively 🙂

  6. Thanks for this post. It gives me a chance to adjust my position.

    Life is a process, isn’t it? Constantly digging deeper to know ourselves.?
    It’s self-examination that brings me back to my true path and you have given me a great opportunity.

    • Thank-you, we are all on that process journey. Writing reminds me to practice and to reconnect too. Sharing the thoughts here, somehow offers an affirmation to the world of my intent, I like that. As the Buddhists say, right thought followed by right action. Peace and love.

  7. Thank you for GIVING us this great blog. Sharing your musing to the world. It’s got me thinking about the western culture but also the whole world tradings including China! big and small, and how I felt two months ago in a temple in Phnom Phen Cambodia a small cave temple within a big temple. One of the monks beckoned me in and lit a candle which he gave me this lovely gesture I suppose. He further gestured on my exit I give some money. I didn’t have any cash on me!! So I sorrowfully gestured this back to him and he was fine! I think!

    • Thanks Kieth, that’s really nice of you to say, I truly appreciate the comments people leave and these little stories people share. I never imagined such a community of spirit on WordPress existed, but, I am very glad to have found it. Peace and love to you.

  8. Love this, thank you for the generous right and the wisdom behind the mind….Namaste’

  9. thanks for taking all your valuable time to light our lightbulbs 😉 !

  10. wonderfully said!

    • Thank-you so much for the compliment, my pleasure to put into words something so precious. Glad you enjoyed it too. <3

      • In a world where we are seeking to find our own truths, and for those of us that are born givers, this truly resonates. Thank you 😊♥️🙏🏻

  11. I thought last night how stingy I am with my time, even though I promote generosity. Then I dreamed in scenes that represented hypocrisy and woke to read this blog. I think God might be telling me something! I also appreciated your analysis on shyness being based on a need for social trade. Thank, Simon!

  12. Great piece. Funny at first I wrote “great peace” but I almost felt like not correcting because peace is definitely flowing here. I particularly love the part about giving oneself. Not easy, as fears stands in the way, but there are some fearless givers out there, and I am always so impressed by that most admirable courage, kindness… Gratitude.

    • Ha! that is cute! I try to practice what I preach here, it;s as much an affirmation for myself as anything else. Once it’s said, it kind of becomes more real to me 🙂

  13. Simon I like this part that says; giving is the highest expression of potency. But then I notice u re a budhist/ an anarchist, pls can u brief me why u choosed dat part, coz I know u hv right to religion. Moreso I need to knw who am chatting with. Lastly I comment the strength u used to write all of that.

    • Apologies for the late response, the anarchy aspect to this blog is really a bit tongue in cheek. The anarchy merely refers to the fact that I don’t really know what’s coming from myself, from others, in this world. And yes, I would label myself more Buddhist than any other belief system. Thank you for your kind words, it’s quite touching to receive kind feedback.

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